Hello my friends! How are you?
If you asked me this question a year ago, I would have likely answered with a breezy “Fine! And you?” Or a simple, “I’m good thanks!” And we would go on. With the pandemic, the ongoing lockdowns (here in my part of Ontario we’ve been in lockdown for nearly seven months. That’s right. Seven. Months!), and everything these huge changes have brought, it’s hard to continue to pretend that you’re doing ok when you’re not.
Most of us have been conditioned to hide away any troubles, especially when speaking to acquaintances or strangers, and simply act as if everything is going your way. Even with some friends, we shrug off our problems with a smile. “I’m just tired,” you reply. “It’s nothing big. I’ll be back to normal by tomorrow.” But this kind of thinking is so much harder in our current climate. Many of us are not fine. And that’s ok!
In this day and age, mental health is not as hidden away or as confusing as it was even twenty years ago. People and medicine are more understanding, more open, and more aware of the toll different situations have on us. Some companies offer “mental health days” in the way you would get a sick day. Therapists and doctors are much more accessible and well-equipped to deal with patients with all types and levels of mental health issues, there are many available therapies (medicinal or otherwise), and they aren’t just being seen as a silly excuse.
That’s not to say that the stigma of mental health has disappeared. There are still people who will look at someone going through a depressive episode and think that they’re lazy and just need to get on with it. There are still people who think you’re over-reacting if you have an anxiety attack or that you’re dumb if you can’t focus on something like they can. There’s a lot of work to be done, but we’re in a much better place now than we were even five years ago.
One of the key barriers to this is not changing the minds of everyone out there, however, but changing our own minds. While we may be open and accepting of the faults of others, we tend to be hardest on ourselves. And now, especially now, is the time to be kind to yourself. To give yourself grace.
I find so often that we will allow others to have faults, especially around mental health, but we do not extend that same courtesy to ourselves. We will support the friend going through post-parting depression without a second thought, but berate ourselves for feeling down (doubly so if we can’t pinpoint a specific reason). We will spend hours calming down a friend during/after a panic attack but get angry with ourselves when we can’t “get over” the knot of dread in our stomach when faced with what may seem like a simple task. And why? Do we not deserve the same grace we extend to those around us?
I have found that I have to remind myself of this often, especially these days, and because of this, I have come up with a simple process to give myself the grace to be not ok. Often I catch myself getting angry and have to stop and go through these four steps, giving myself the gift of grace.
Step One: Recognise The Beginning of the Cycle
The first and most important part is being able to recognize when this is happening. You can’t stop a behaviour your don’t see. When I started this practise, I asked my spouse to help me and to call me out when I began the cycle of beating myself up and being too hard on myself. After a while it was much easier to see and feel the patterns and for the most part, I can recognize it and work through it mindfully.
Step Two: Stop
This sounds so easy in theory, but like with a runaway train, it’s so difficult to stop runaway thoughts. Now, I don’t expect the thoughts themselves to stop, but you need to step outside of them. Think of it sort of like watching a show or looking through a window, but instead of someone else, you’re looking at you. You need to recognise that you’re about to start heading down the rabbit hole and stop yourself from jumping in with the thoughts.
Step Three: Identify the Cause
Once you realize you’re in a spiral and have that in your head, you need to find the source of the problem. What is causing your anxiety? Why are you berating yourself? Why are you calling yourself lazy/dumb/useless/(insert any horrible thought here)? Then take that superficial reason (such as feeling useless because you couldn’t muster the energy to make a healthy dinner and ordered out again instead) and dig deeper. Why are you so exhausted that even the thought of making pasta seems impossible?
This is the step where your brain will start to fight you. You’ll start coming up with excuses as to why your exhaustion isn’t a valid reason for not making dinner. Allow these thoughts to pass but don’t let them fool you. There’s a deeper reason for this and you need to be willing to find and acknowledge it to get out of the vicious spiral you’re in.
Step Four: Acceptance and Grace
This is the last step, and it has two parts. Once you have figured out the real why behind your thoughts, don’t fight it. It’s ok and normal to have problems with all kinds of things. If someone has a heart attack, we rush them to the hospital. You don’t just shrug and say “Eh, just take a deep breath and get over it. It’s just a little flutter.” Why would you shrug off another illness or problem the same way? In the same vein, you don’t discount a heart attack just because the person is healthy or of a certain gender. “It can’t be a heart attack… you drive a Mercedes!” is just as silly as “You can’t have anxiety, you’re a CEO!”. Having a mental health issue is ok, and it doesn’t mean that you’re broken. All you need is a little bit of help (and that may mean medication, therapy, or both). After all, you wouldn’t leave a broken arm to just heal by itself, right?
Finally, give yourself grace. This process runs on grace, and it’s the key to getting through pretty much anything. Know that you’re trying the best with what you have and that you aren’t something damaged, something to be tossed aside. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, pain, guilt, but don’t let your emotions rule you. Feel, accept, and pass through. You’re doing the best you can. Speak gently to yourself; be your own best friend (cliche as this may sound). Would you scream and belittle your best friend just because they called to talk about feeling low? I sure hope not!
This process takes time and effort, but trust me when I say it will become easier and will help you become the best person you can be, no matter the situation you find yourself in. So often we put a ton more pressure on ourselves than we do on our loved ones, and we need to stop and realize that we deserve the same respect and grace we give to others. We aren’t broken, we just need a little bit of love.
Keep well, my dears!
Pins & Weedles 